


Tower Rules (Or, Things Nick Fury Has Outlawed As A Result Of The Avengers Being Naughty)

by BananaWombat



Series: Avengers Dogpile (Featuring Bucky Barnes and Peter Parker) [9]
Category: The Amazing Spider-Man (Movies - Webb), The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Domestic Avengers, List, The Avengers are little shits, What's new
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-11-15
Updated: 2014-12-20
Packaged: 2018-02-25 12:34:48
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 22
Words: 8,815
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2621963
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BananaWombat/pseuds/BananaWombat
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Things the Avengers are no longer permitted to do or say. They're mostly long stories.</p><p>*THIS IS UPDATED REGULARLY BECAUSE THE COMMENTERS ARE GENIUSES*</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

1)   Nobody is allowed to sing on the comms any more. Especially Tony. And Clint. If 'wait, he isn't dead, SHIA SURPRISE!' is so much as hummed, the culprit is going into Time Out.

 

2)   Thor must now sleep with clothes on.

 

3)   Tony is no longer allowed to hit people with baking trays when he's scared.

 

4)   Pepper must now supervise all visits to the mall (the last time they were allowed free reign, Tony bought out three stores, Thor fell in the fountain, Clint made an old lady scream  - "by accident!" he insists - and Natasha managed to shut down everything, also "by accident")

 

5)   "Tony dared me" is not, and has never been, a valid excuse.

 

6)   Natasha is not allowed to bring guns to Monopoly games.

 

7)   Bruce should absolutely, definitely not take part in any physical games. Especially sock skating. (Bruce respects this decision)

 

8)   Nobody is allowed to jumpscare Bucky. JARVIS still complains about the bullet holes.

 

9)   Tony is not allowed to buy shawarma stores.

 

10)   Clint is not allowed to eat fish in the ventilation system. Fish is not allowed in the ventilation system full stop.

 

11)   Tony should not be convincing Thor that there is, in fact, a wild unicorn hiding in the tower.

 

12)   Clint is not allowed to egg people on, even if what they're doing is "pretty fucking funny".

 

13)   Natasha and Clint should NOT be allowed access to technology when something doesn't go their way.

 

14)   "That's bullshit" is not an excuse to disobey orders.

 

15)   Silly String is not allowed within forty feet of the Tower.

 

16)   No-one is allowed to put itching powder in Agent Hill's suit.

 

17)   Nobody is allowed to film Steve and Bucky in private moments and then post it online with unspeakable tags.

 

18)   Nobody is allowed in Natasha and Clint's room after eight o'clock at night. Or any other time, for that matter, unless they're expressly invited.

 

19)   Peter is not allowed to use his webs to turn his alarm clock off (Fury will not be paying for his seventh alarm clock, contrary to popular belief).

 

20)   Sam and Clint are not allowed to build nests anywhere.

 

21)   "IS IT A BIRD, IS IT A PLANE - NO WAIT IT IS A BIRD" is not allowed to be shouted when Clint is trying to beat his obstacle course record.

 

22)   "Caw caw motherfucker" should not be used to end Clint's interviews. Ever.

 

23)   Clint is not allowed to wear burlesque dancer costumes for Halloween. Peter is still traumatised.

 

24)   Natasha is not allowed to use real blood when decorating for Halloween.

 

25)   No-one is allowed to buy Steve cymbals. He gets overenthusiastic.

 

26)  Tony and Clint are definitely not allowed to play the bongos at three o'clock in the morning.

 

27)  Tony and Clint will not be releasing a bongos album any time soon.

 

28)   Sam is not allowed to play the Star Wars theme over JARVIS to wake everyone up. Clint is not allowed to be his accomplice.

 

29)   Clint is not allowed to watch Firefly in his underwear unless he's in his bedroom.

 

30)   Nobody is allowed to buy Bucky copious amounts of ice cream because "when he's on a sugar high his eye twitches, look".


	2. Oh God, More?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Just what it says on the tin.

1)   Natasha is not allowed to wear t-shirts saying "Badass Bitch" in public, as there are children watching.

 

2)   Tony and Clint are not allowed to buy her t-shirts saying "Badass Bitch".

 

3)   Sam and Bucky are not allowed to argue about the aerodynamics of Steve's butt on national television.

 

4)   Peter is not allowed to eat egg noodles with chopsticks anymore (Dum-E spent six hours cleaning that up).

 

5)   Clint is not allowed to teach Peter piano at midnight.

 

6)   Fall Out Boy lyrics are only allowed to be screeched at top volume when Bucky is fully conscious (more bullet holes, JARVIS complaining again).

 

7)   Tony is not allowed to jump piggyback style on Peter without warning him (the webbing took six and a _half_ hours to clean up).

 

8)   Nobody is allowed to make Thor cry, ever, because it makes everyone else cry too.

 

9)   Tony is not allowed to revive Thor from a faint with buckets of water. Past incidents involved freak lightning storms over Taiwan and an earthquake in downtown San Francisco.

 

10)   Tony is not allowed to buy the Avengers matching uniforms.

 

11)   Peter is not allowed to play gay porn soundtracks over JARVIS when the others have been annoying him. Clint is not allowed to do this either.

 

12)   Steve is not allowed to use the word 'boner' on national television. No, Steve, it does not mean 'mistake' any more.

 

13)   Bucky is not allowed to verbally and graphically replay his night-time romps with the Captain over breakfast, because it always ends with Peter spilling the milk and Clint almost falling out of the window because he's laughing so hard.

 

14)   Natasha is not allowed to convince Thor that Halloween costumes are acceptable at any time of the year.

 

15)   Nobody is allowed to tell Thor that rude words mean something different. He has only recently learned that the word 'shit' does not actually mean 'fun'.

 

16)   Thor must be wearing underwear at all times. (He has forgotten this on several occasions, upon which Natasha raised an eyebrow, Sam pissed himself, Tony got down on both knees, Bruce hid in the cupboard, Peter smashed several mugs, and Clint gave him a deadpan-face compliment using the word 'endowed' liberally)

 

17)   No matter how much Asgardians apparently eat, Thor is not allowed more than three ice creams at a time.

 

18)   Birthday presents of condoms are, in fact, NOT preferable for Peter.

 

19)   Tony is not allowed to convince Thor to get tattoos of rainbows, naked people and controversial phrases.

 

20)   Bruce is not allowed to use needles when he has had more than two cups of coffee. Clint swears he still has the scars.


	3. Aaaannnd A Few More

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yup.

1)   Vodka and shot glasses are not allowed within thirty feet of the Time Out area.

 

2)   Time Out should not be equated with drinking. Or party games.

 

3)   Nobody is allowed to take Bucky's arm without his permission. When this was not outlawed it has resulted in extensive violence, swearing, and a video of Bucky beating Tony with his detached arm posted on the Internet.

 

4)   Eye of the Tiger should not be played in the gym any more, as overenthusiasm has caused a broken toe and several cracked floor tiles.

 

5)   Nobody is allowed to switch out any of the ingredients in Clint's homemade granola. It will only result in your death by Natasha's hands.

 

6)   Clint will not be presenting a cooking show any time soon, no matter what Tony claims.

 

7)   No-one is to hide Thor's hair bobbles any more, because it makes him sad.

 

8)   Tony should not go around insisting that he has magical powers and then throwing glitter in their faces when he tells them to 'look closer'.

 

9)   Natasha is not allowed on Tumblr when she is annoyed.

 

10)   Peter is only allowed to play Turn Down For What at his favourite volume (extremely, ear-bustingly loud) when it is his birthday. Any other time will only result in being chased and possibly having things thrown at him.


	4. More. Yes.

1)   Tony should not be allowed to give kitchen appliances sentience. We're still cleaning up after the Toaster Overlord incident. **(Thank you to commenter Troodon, you evil, brilliant genius)**

 

2)   Nobody is allowed a trumpet any more.

 

3)   Trumpets are not allowed within fifty feet of the Tower.

 

4)   JARVIS is not to play trumpet music, no matter who begs him or what they promise.

 

5)   No blackmailing over breakfast. (Looking at you Natasha)

 

6)   Peter is not allowed to play Your Friend Steve very loudly on his phone every time Steve comes into the room. Clint is not allowed to do this either.

 

7)   Natasha is not allowed to reccommend music to Thor, ever since the "YOUR LOVE'S A FUCKING DRAG" incident (Fox News had a field day).

 

8)   Thor is only allowed to listen to Nyan Cat on headphones, as Clint broke a Ming vase and Tony put a giant dent in the kitchen counter the last time it was played aloud.

 

9)   Bruce is not allowed cheese before bed.

 

10)   Tony should not 'Glitterfy' Sam's wings before a mission.


	5. Some More, At Your Insistence

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all so much for the contributions, you brilliantly evil geniuses.

**(FROM TROODON)**

1)   The Avengers have been barred from Ikea. With Thor and Steve eating all of the meatballs, Tony commenting loudly about the design flaws, Clint telling people he's fluent in Swedish and incorrectly (and inappropriately) translating the names, losing Natasha in the kids section, and lets not forget the Hulk in the Ball Pit event, the people at IKEA have filed a restraining order.

 

2)   "FOR SCIENCE!" is not a legitimate excuse for anything, ever. Yes, Tony, that does include poking Dr. Banner with various implements or attempting to steal Captain Rogers' shield. And Doctor Banner, we expected better from you.

 

3)   Tony, the previous rule about team uniforms still stands, so no. You cannot get matching jackets with "Science Bros" in glitter and sequins across the back for yourself and Dr. Banner.

 

**(FROM QUESTIONABLESANITY)**

 

4)   Tony is not allowed to use, Bruce's Special Blowtorch, Special Soldering Iron, or Special Tongs.

 

5)   Or any of Bruce's things, actually.


	6. Some Explanations

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Here, at the request of DrakeBorn, are some explanations about the rules.

**1)   Tony is no longer allowed to hit people with baking trays when he's scared.**

"I still think it was Pepper's fault," Tony said mutinously.

" _I went to get coffee and saw a giant Asgardian in the doorway,_ " Pepper hissed at him, _"BUTT. NAKED._ "

"But who gets coffee at two o'clock in the morning?!" Tony protested.

Pepper slapped him over the back of the head.

"It was a magnificent scream, though," Clint said conversationally, patting Thor comfortingly on the shoulder. The thunder god was rubbing the back of his head, looking a little dazed after Tony hit him with a baking tray when he came running to rescue the startled, screaming Pepper.

**2)   Silly String is no longer allowed within forty feet of the tower.**

Tony surprised Natasha in the bathroom with it one morning. JARVIS claims that if he gets any more bullets shot into him he is transferring to NASA.

**3)   ........losing Natasha in the kids section [at Ikea].......**

"I fucking told you," said Clint.

"You said she had an obsession with novelty bed frames," said Tony, "not that she would GO AND DISAPPEAR IN A MAZE OF THEM."

**4)   Natasha is not allowed to bring guns to Monopoly games.**

"Tony," said Steve quietly, "Tony, I think you should let her have it."

"I had it first," Tony pouted.

Natasha had a gun barrel pushing into his chin before he blinked. "Give me Vermont Avenue," she said sweetly, "or I'll blow your brains out."

**6)   Clint and Natasha should not be allowed access to technology when something doesn't go their way.**

"Did you - _did you topple the Australian government?_ "

Clint shrugged, licking his ice cream spoon. "Fury wouldn't let me take a turn seducing the target. Natasha was as pissed as I was. One thing led to another."

**7)   Sam and Clint are not allowed to build nests anywhere.**

"Get that great ugly mass of twigs," Tony bellowed, " _off the side of my tower._ "

**8)   Peter is not allowed to play gay porn soundtracks over JARVIS when the others have been annoying him. Clint is not allowed to do this either.**

"Unh."

They all looked up (except Thor, who was occupied with demolishing his fifth pancake).

"Unh. Harder. _Harder._ "

"What the - "

" _Fuck._ Harder. Stick it in me."

"Jesus Christ," said Tony. "Who denied Peter something now?"

"I think Steve refused to buy him a CD," Natasha said mildly, the corners of her lips twitching.

Steve was bright red. "Clint."

"What?" Clint flailed. "I did it _once._ I didn't know he'd pick up on the idea."

Bucky began to bang his head on the table. "Oh god. Oh, god. _Oh god._ "

"Steady on, Frosty, we don't need two going at the same time," said Tony.

Sam almost fell off his chair.

**9)   Nobody is allowed a trumpet anymore.**

"Tell me you didn't buy Clint a trumpet."

_Tooooooooooooooooooooooooooooot._

"I fucking hate you right now, Natasha."

**10)   Tony should not "Glitterfy" Sam's wings before a mission.**

" _WHAT THE EVERLOVING FUCK IS THAT?_ "

"I think I've just witnessed the first every Sparkling Falcon," said Clint conversationally.

 


	7. More

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Troodon, my baby, my wonder, deity on earth. I think I love you right now.

**(FROM TROODON'S IDEAS)**

1)  Peter must now avoid trying to hit windows with his webs after their fourth lawsuit by the New York window washing firms.

 

2)   Sam and Clint made the mistake of showing Bucky Toy Story. Bucky, you are no longer allowed to reply to "I need a hand" with a detached metal arm thrown at them.

 

3)   Tony and Clint, please stop wasting time when fighting Loki by singing the entirety of "Let It Go". Unfortunately we are unable to stop Hulk doing this, but it would be good if you could please stop encouraging him.

 

4)   Tony, stop trying to synthesise an alcohol capable of of getting Captain Rogers drunk. Steve, we're all disappointed by your enthusiastic support of this venture (Fury stopped this after the fourth time walking into the lab seeing Peter and Bruce taking notes on a whiteboard while Steve, hooked up to several monitors, took repeated shots while Tony observed. Bucky was also partaking in the shots for no apparent reason)

 

5)   "No, Tony" is now a synonym for 'abort mission'.

 

6)   "Pepper said it was" does not make a fact correct.

 

7)   Tony and Clint are not allowed to sing "Frosty the Snowman" every time Bucky walks in the room.


	8. Yup

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> AAHADJHSFLDJFDJHFGDSDFHSDFGKULFJG MY BEAUTIFUL PEOPLE I'M DROWNING

1)   Tony is not allowed to convince Thor that twerking is an essential part of education, as it resulted in Thor mentally scarring Steve. **(Madison)**

 

2)   Steve is not allowed to play Five Nights at Freddy's, as he ended up throwing the phone and it hit Bruce in face. **(Madison)**

 

3)   Peter and Bucky are not allowed to play Five Nights at Freddy's either, because Dum-E is about to short-circuit and Bucky literally put a hole in the wall.

 

4)   Tony is not allowed to wrap Bucky's arm in bubble wrap (the number of bullets in the tower is disturbingly high). **(Madison)**

 

5)   Clint is not allowed near Tony's repulsors under any circumstances. **(poodlecake85)**

 

6)   Tony is not allowed to so much as touch Peter's web shooters. Ever. **(poodlecake85)**

 

7)   Mjolnir is to be used by Thor only unless in emergencies (Steve, if you have to hang up a picture frame that badly, Tony keeps a normal hammer in the cupboard under the sink). **(poodlecake85)**

 

8)   Natasha's Widow Bites are in no way suitable for killing spiders (this is precautionary as Tony still has not regained full use of his right hand). **(poodlecake85)**

 

9)   Unless you want your bow broken, do not give it to Bucky. Do not give him plates, Ming vases, champagne flutes, or stereos either. **(poodlecake85)**

 

10)   Do not arm civilians. **(poodlecake85)**

 

11)   Definitely do not arm Darcy Lewis. **(poodlecake85)**


	9. You Are All Beautiful

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I love you guys so, so much.

1)   Iron Patriot may no longer be referred to as Colonel America (Steve took that way too seriously). **(poodlecake85)**

 

2)   Sealing the vents while Clint is inside them is most definitely not allowed (fairly sure I've said this before but STAY OUT OF THE FUCKING VENTS, AGENT BARTON). **(poodlecake85)**

 

3)   Pepper Potts is the only resident of the tower allowed to talk to the press about what goes on inside it (this has been enforced after Clint made veiled references to mass orgies, which is something that most definitely does not happen). **(poodlecake85)**

 

4)   Peter is not allowed to play gay chicken any more. Unfortunately I am not able to stop the other Avengers doing this but the least they can do is _prevent him from doing it because he's underage oh my God._

 

5)   Please refrain from doodling rude things on my eyepatch. **(Madison)**

 

6)   When baking apology cakes, cleanup afterwards is essential (especially when it's Thor attempting it). **(QuestionableSanity)**

 

7)  Refrain from calling I, Director Fury, 'fresh from the nearest sex dungeon', Morpheus, or any pirate names. **(Troodon)**

 

8)   If Tony has been in the lab for over two days, someone needs to forcibly go down there and stop him. We have it on good authority that by around seventy-two without adequate sleep, he tends to go into Mad Engineer Mode. See the Toaster Overlord Incident for an example. ("Tony? Why are you blurry? Are... are you vibrating? How much coffee have you had, you idiot? Do NOT break the laws of physics again, I don't care whether or not Reed Richards did it last week. Put down the fucking blowtorch.........and the highly explosive compound. GENTLY.") **(Troodon)**


	10. Stray Dogs and Cat Lords

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> All of these are thanks to QuestionableSanity, who is currently one of my favourite people alive.

1)   We couldn't stop Thor adopting ten Labradors ("I feel bad for them" "But you can't" "Why not?" and nobody had a good answer for that), but the least you could all do is clean up after them.

 

2)   Natasha's favourite dog, Morgana-Rosemary (we don't even know), should not be allowed to go anywhere she likes.

 

3)   Clint's favourite dogs, Evan and Legolas (Tony's idea), should not be allowed in the vents with him.

 

4)   Thor's favourites, Baldur and Nanna (his choices), should not be allowed to eat as much as they want (because we're already running out of dog food and we just bought some today).

 

5)   Tony's, Millionaire (Jesus Christ Tony), should not have a solid gold collar.

 

6)   TONY, DOGS DO NOT NEED FLIGHT SUITS, WEAPONS, ARMOUR, OR ANYTHING DOGS DON'T ACTUALLY NEED.

 

7)   Bruce's, Spanner (Tony's idea), should not be the subject of experimental veterinary drugs, no matter how sure Bruce is sure they're going to work. Dr. Banner, we expected better.

 

8)   Thor should not be allowed to puppy-pile with all the dogs on the couches more than six times a day (they shed. A lot).

 

9)   Tony should not be calling them 'The AvenDogs' and buying them matching collars.

 

10)   Steve's dog, Jackson (imaginative, Steve, real imaginative), should not have his own miniature shield as a frisbee. Tony, stop trying to manufacture one.

 

11)   Sam's dog, Stallone, should not be fitted with miniature wings.

 

12)   Peter's dog, RugRat, should not be kitted out with his own web shooters.

 

13)   Bucky should really stop bringing in stray cats (he's a magnet for them and nobody really knows where he gets them). We have at least thirty just lying around.

 

14)   Bucky, please try and avoid moving around the tower with your massive feline entourage when you can.

 

15)   Please stop taking pictures of Bucky asleep and covered in cats and posting them online without his permission.


	11. I Don't Even Have Titles For These Any More

1)   Clint is not allowed to post videos of Millionaire humping everything that moves on YouTube because it makes the Avengers seem unprofessional. (According to Clint, this results in viral videos) **(QuestionableSanity)**

 

2)   All complaints about Agent Barton are now to be delivered directly to Agent Romanoff. (SHIELD having a complaints department does not mean we want to hear about Clint eating your Lucky Charms, Stark) **(poodlecake85)**

 

3)   If food in the fridge is labelled, you do not eat it. You most certainly do not thank them for the meal. **(poodlecake85)**

 

4)   "Sleepwalking" is not a valid excuse for falling out of vents while the Avengers are in various states of undress. (Last warning, Agent Barton) **(poodlecake85)**

 

5)   Pictures of the Avengers in various states of undress are not to be uploaded to social media sites. Or anywhere on the Internet. (Last fucking warning, Clint) **(poodlecake85)**

 

6)   ZOO ANIMALS ARE NOT ALLOWED INSIDE THE TOWER, NO MATTER HOW 'CUTE' PETER AND TONY FOUND THE TIGER OR HOW MUCH BUCKY AND BRUCE LIKED THE PENGUINS. **(poodlecake85)**

 


	12. Still Don't Have Adequate Titles

1)   Do NOT drag Steve, Bucky, Clint or Peter into prank wars. You WILL lose spectacularly........and cry. **(mcrdoctorwho)**

 

2)   Inability to pause online games are not excuses for staying home while the other Avengers go off to fight, no matter how well they "have it covered". **(poodlecake85)**

 

3)   Just to clarify, the phrase "bite me" is not an invitation. **(WriteYourOwnEnding)**

 

4)   Your dog is not you and thus should not be sent to meetings in your place. **(Raven_mcbain)**

 

5)   It is not 'art', it is vandalism (take the fucking spiderweb off the side of the White House, Natasha). **(Raven_mcbain)**

 

6)   Bucky's cat entourage should not be encouraged to take over the world (STARK STOP TRYING TO GIVE THEM THE TECHNOLOGY TO DO SO). **(Raven_mcbain)**


	13. No Titles

1)   If Bucky is hiding, it means he wants to be alone. It also means that nobody (looking at you, TONY) is allowed to go around with magnets or a metal detector trying to find him. **(Mizarth)**

 

2)   Clint is not allowed to replace people's guns with paintball lookalikes (if he does this to Natasha hit the decks and brace for impact). **(Mizarth)**

 

3)   No-one is to replace Peter's webs with Silly String (no, Tony, I don't care if you found it funny, he could have fucking hurt himself). **(Mizarth)**

 

4)   Tony, for fuck's sake, I don't care if you don't like being handed things, if somebody needs a lift you fucking give them one. **(DancingDugong)**

 

5)   Steve and Bucky are no longer allowed to attempt to get senior discounts (Starbucks filed a formal complaint with SHIELD). **(DancingDugong)**

 

6)   Tony is not allowed to quote Weird Al while Natasha is fighting. Ever. **(Ari_the_Dodecahedron)**


	14. And Another

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I'm so awed by everything. I love you guys so, so much.

1)   Peter and Tony are not allowed to play 'Risk' any more. (Their version involves Peter jumping from off the top of the Tower, and seeing how many stories he can drop before Tony in the Iron Man suit, laughing manically, catches him.) Steve's disapproving glare should really have stopped them by now. **(ImBadWithWords)**

 

2)  FOR FUCK'S SAKE, TONY, STOP SNEAKING SALT IN BRUCE'S TEA. **(Madison)**

 

3)   Tony is not allowed to talk to the Maximoff twins without responsible adult supervision (Clint doesn't count, Stark) after the 'Wonder Twins' incident. **(ThatOddNerd)**

 

4)  Tony and Clint are not allowed to keep implying that Bucky's cats are extra-terrestrials and think he's their god. They are definitely not allowed to vocally wonder whether they are Asgardian because that has just led to unfortunate incidents with an intrigued Thor, the Bifrost and plenty of cat scratches. **(Ronan_Gant)**

 

5)  Dum-E is not allowed to fend off a curious Thor and various other Asgardians with fire extinguishers. Stark, stop actively encouraging him to do this.


	15. Yes More

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Just a note - any that do not have a name in brackets and in bold by the end are mine. Just so you know.

1)   Tony is definitely not permitted to build his own lifesize Jaeger in the lab (he is also banned from watching Pacific Rim, his new favourite movie, for two weeks).

 

2)   Nobody is allowed to give Clint almonds while he's in medical......on a related note, ALMONDS ARE FOOD NOT PROJECTILES AGENT BARTON. **(Raven_mcbain)**

 

3)   Tony is not allowed to buy Steve clothes two sizes too small and telling him they "look fine" (we're still trying to get that video of his pants ripping off the internet, to the dismay of millions of girls.....and guys). **(DancingDugong)**

 

4)   Tony is not allowed to watch Invasion of the Body Snatchers went Clint is home, nor when Doctor Selvig is visiting. "I wanted to say how they would react" is not a valid excuse. **(ThatOddNerd)**

 

5)   Tony is not allowed to say "what's the sitch?" when someone calls him, particularly when it's urgent. He is also not allowed to call Natasha 'Kim Possible', nor Clint 'Ron Stoppable'.


	16. Title Number: 0

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What did you expect?

1)  Bruce and Tony are not allowed to test Hulk tranquilizer darts on Peter when he is web slinging as last time Sam very nearly didn't catch him in time (Clint, you cannot give the Science Bros permission to test them on anyone but yourself. "Thor's fucking hilarious when he's doped up, did you see him thinking the cushion was one of Bucky's cats" is not a valid reason). "For science" is not an excuse for anything, much less this. **(Raveninflight)**

 

2)   Bucky is not allowed to talk to the press or biography writers about the war experiences he and Steve endured after the "Steve-punched-a-tyrannosaurus-rex-in-the-jaw-and-knocked-it-out-stone-cold-I-swear-to-God-and-our-Lord-and-Saviour-Jesus-on-high" incident (Steve, really? You confirmed it? You are not allowed to play along and reinforce Bucky's runaway stories). **(BottomBitchBarnes)**

 

3)   Natasha is not a reliable source of facts about the Soviet Union (she made Tony believe that they were forced to eat live monkeys every three days as an initiation for two weeks). **(BottomBitchBarnes)**

 

4)   Peter is not allowed to use his webs to get his toast out, and Clint is not allowed to put an arrow through the microwave to stop it beeping. Nobody is allowed to use their weapons on any sort of household device or furniture. **(BottomBitchBarnes)**

 

5)   Bucky, Clint and Peter are not allowed to play the Miss America theme loudly whenever Steve walks into the room (Tony's renovators are still re-plastering the walls). **(BottomBitchBarnes)**

 

6)   Thor is not allowed to eat peanut butter unless it is in a sandwich that someone else made for him. He is especially not allowed to eat it if the peanut butter in question belongs to Clint. **(BottomBitchBarnes)**

 

7)   Clint, stop trying to get the Avengers discounts at Starbucks on account of "saving all your asses". It doesn't work. **(sunreyesss)**

 

8)   When arguing with Steve and Carol Danvers, do not yell "Captain" because they will both turn and scream "WHAT?!". Specify which one. (Same goes for yelling "Hawkeye" at Clint and Kate Bishop) **(sunreyesss)**

 

9)   While it may have been slightly comedic at first, please do not buy Sam and Clint birds of prey as they have no idea how to look after them (commendations to Sam for returning his immediately. Clint, the near loss of an eye should have woken you to this fact). **(poodlecake85)**

 

10)   Dragging the Avengers and associated heroes/vigilantes/military personnel along to assorted strip clubs while 'suited up' does not count as a 'team-building' exercise. (As a general rule from now on all team activities must be approved by Steve Rogers) **(poodlecake85)**


	17. Peter's Parents Evening (And Things You're Not Allowed To Say)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is dedicated to QuestionableSanity, who gave me the idea. Love you!

1)   Clint and Tony are not allowed to attend by themselves. All Avengers, or at least Steve, must be there.

 

2)   Natasha is not allowed to intimidate the teachers.

 

3)   Clint is not allowed to complain loudly about the cafeteria food.

 

4)   Tony is not allowed to convince Thor that raiding the cafeteria kitchen is a good idea.

 

5)   Thor, if you really want to hang up Mjolnir by the door, please do keep in mind that one of the students could turn out to be worthy and walk off with it.

 

6)   Bruce is not allowed to Hulk out if one of the teachers says something bad about Peter.

 

7)   Tony is not allowed to bribe the teachers.

 

8)   Property damage must be paid for (and not pushed off by "we're the fucking Avengers, man, we saved your ass and now you want us to pay you big bucks to fix some piddly little science wing").

 

9)   Bucky is not allowed to flex his metal arm threateningly if one of the teachers criticizes Peter.

 

10)   Natasha is not allowed to wander off by herself to 'scope out' the school (that ended with four destroyed lockers and seven male students strung up by their underwear).

 

11)   Clint is not allowed to blow raspberries when a teacher says something he doesn't like.

 

12)   Avengers are obliged to wake up Thor if he falls asleep, no matter how much they "can't blame him" or how "boring it is, really, you try sitting through that Fury".

 

13)   Clint is not allowed to imply that he will shoot someone (that resulted in a hysterical librarian and a very angry principal).

 

14)   Bucky is not allowed to hit lockers. Even if he is "frustrated as fuck".

 

15)   Natasha is not allowed to reference untimely and gory deaths of school administration, no matter how much she dislikes the teachers.


	18. Wow There Are Plenty In This One

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Whoa, that's a lot! Thank you guys so much!
> 
> By the way, HAS ANYONE HEARD THE NEWS ABOUT THE SUICIDE SQUAD MOVIE? I know it's DC and this is a Marvel fic, but WHO IN THEIR RIGHT MIND WOULDN'T BE EXCITED OH MY GOD MY MIND HAS BEEN BOGGLED.

1)   Steve is required to wear appropriate clothing around the tower (Speedos with the American flag on them do not count. No, it doesn't matter if you're being patriotic, I demand that you at least put a pair of trousers on over them. Five people nearly died from a heart attack last time and we only just about stopped Clint from posting the pictures on Instagram). **(andy)**

 

2)   Natasha is not allowed to orchestrate complex aerobic stunts (one of which involved Maria and Darcy dangling from the ceiling from Peter's webs holding onto Natasha's arms) with the Avengers in order to achieve "the perfect selfie". **(andy)**

 

3)   Bruce is not allowed to hack websites simply because the information is "absolute and total fucking bullshit". **(andy)**

 

4)   Sam and Rhodey are no longer allowed to attempt to teach the Avengers how to dance. What began as a humble idea escalated into _sixteen_ broken tables and Thor sending Steve spinning out the window - they're just going to have to learn to live dancing constantly off-beat. **(andy)**

 

5)   If and when Sam is ever cooking, Steve and Bucky are not allowed to sabotage it. The last time they did this it gave Natasha food poisoning which inevitably ended in more violence and destruction for everyone nearby. **(andy)**

 

6)   Natasha is not allowed to gossip about other people in other languages (especially when they're right in front of her and fluent in said language). **(andy)**

 

7)   Shopping trips that end with fifteen stops at the lingerie store, twenty stolen hedgehogs (dammit Clint), and Tony buying out the entirety of Macy's ("I can therefore I shall") are prohibited. Said lingerie is not to put on and photographed for a 'Sexy Avengers' calender to be sold for $400 each (which sold out surprisingly fast before we could get hold of the sellers and bribe them to burn it all and never speak of it again). **(andy)**

 

8)   Tony is not allowed to renovate the Tower overnight to look like Hogwarts and try and convince everyone that they're all students (Bucky has no idea what Hogwarts is - "you have betrayed my _fucking trust Frosty how could you_ " - so the joke was lost on him). He is also not allowed to don a fake beard and robe and call himself Professor Dumbledore. **(andy)**

 

9)   Trick-or-treating is for children. End of. No further discussion. **(andy)**

 

10)   Thor is not allowed to give children dangerous magical Asgardian weaponry because they "conveyed the puppy-dog eyes to me". Furthermore we are punishing Darcy for teaching Thor the phrase "puppy-dog eyes". **(andy)**

 

11)   Stop trying to get discounts in any way, shape or form from Starbucks, IT DOES. NOT. WORK (Tony, you're not allowed to buy Starbucks. Your Dorito company is enough).  **(DancingDugong)**

 

12)   I am taking back an earlier statement - Steve is no longer allowed to approve team-building exercises. (Steve, why did you think taking them to a goddamn JUNGLE GYM WAS A GOOD IDEA?! Clint took literal and complete control over the monkey bars and Thor got stuck on seven different slides. Repeatedly. Some more than once. And that dodgeball in the anti-gravity chamber doesn't even bear thinking about - I know it was Tony that did it, but I blame you, Barnes, for giving him the idea) **(DancingDugong)**

 

13)   The Avengers are not allowed to register, much less compete, in the local Ultimate Frisbee tournament. **(DancingDugong)**

 

14)   The Avengers are not allowed to steal Natasha's facial hologram disguise software for personal gain - i.e. to "fuck shit up". (Thor and the real Natasha now have a confirmed codeword to ensure that Thor will no longer be forced by who he thinks is Natasha to buy seven hundred rubber ducks on the Internet and then punch Sam in the face ("it's a cool game called Whack-A-Friend"). IMPERSONATING I, DIRECTOR FURY, IS STRICTLY PROHIBITED AND I WILL BEAT YOUR ASS FOR EVEN THINKING ABOUT IT) **(DancingDugong)**

 

15)   In addition to Bucky's entourage of cats, Sam has a small army of hamsters and is no longer allowed to adopt more. It doesn't matter if you couldn't pass them off to someone else, they had babies, or "they were in the rain, what was I supposed to do?". Also, Thor is not allowed to buy Sam more hamsters. Even as a gift. **(andy)**

 

16)   Tony is not allowed to build new rooms for wayward animals after he fashioned a completely new wing for the hamsters. **(andy)**

 

17)   Bucky needs to hire some sort of cat trainer as the furry devils have been continuously trying to break into the hamster wing to eat the small animals. This has caused frequent cat vs hamster wars (supplied with miniature weapons by Tony), orchestrated by Steve and Bucky, which is absolutely and definitely banned after the marshmallow incident (which I'm sure Steve would be very happy to forget). **(andy)**

 

18)   Sam is not allowed to reread the entire Harry Potter series aloud to the Avengers and then watch all eight movies in one sitting, as it only ends in tears, obsession, and house feuds. **(andy)**

 

19)   Peter, Bucky and Clint are not allowed to make obscene hand gestures at each other during press conferences and then insist that it means 'cat' in sign language. **(andy)**

 

20)   Although it seemed initially a logical idea, the rule that only Peter is to handle any and all spiders in the Tower has now been retracted. In fact, Peter is now prohibited from handling the spiders (Peter is very happy to oblige). **(andy)**

 

21)   Sam is not allowed to hide bacon inside Steve's running pants and then release all the Avengers' dogs into the park after him - even if it does allow him to finally scream "ON YOUR RIGHT" as he tears past Steve frantically trying to escape a pack of manic labradors. And no, he is still not allowed to do this even if it gave the Avengers good press after the 'Captain America cuddling with cute dogs in the park' went viral online. **(andy)**

 

22)   Stick to your scripts during press conferences. Just...please. _Please._ **(andy)**

 

23)   NO MATCHING TATTOOS, DO YOU HEAR ME? **(andy)**

 

24)   No dyeing Clint's hair while he's sleeping. Actually, how did you even sneak up on him like that, did you get Natasha to do it or did you slip something into his food? No, really? **(andy)**

 

25)   Sam and Clint are the only ones allowed to cook full meals. Bruce may be capable of rustling up a decent lunch, but he cracks when it comes to feeding everyone (aka completely clearing the pantry to feed the Massive Blond Creatures). **(andy)**

 

26)   No shouting "CAW CAW MOTHERFUCKER" in public areas (even if you did just manage to catch the cherry pit in your mouth, Clint, you really shouldn't because _children_ ). **(andy)**

 

27)   No prank-calling the Cavalry. Ever. Don't do it.

 

28)   SAM YOU CANNOT RANDOMLY SWOOP DOWN FROM THE SKY TO SCARE THE AVENGERS WHEN THEY'RE GOING ABOUT THEIR NORMAL DAILY BUSINESS. **(andy)**

 

29)   Sam is no longer allowed to promise children "anything they like", seeing as last time he did it he gave his Falcon wings to a little girl he didn't know because she wanted to "be a butterfly". **(andy)**

 

30)   Clint cannot bring bird eggs from the ceiling to hatch in the vents. Yes, Clint, we know about the nests. We know it's not peanut butter you've left in there. Yes, Sam, we know you helped. Stop denying it. **(andy)**

 

31)   Non-Earthan creatures are no longer allowed in the Tower, with the exception of Thor and maybe Heimdall and Sif (because while they do destroy random things like Thor, they're actually somewhat sensible). **(andy)**

 

32)   Darcy is not allowed to advise the Avengers on their clothes. **(andy)**

 

33)   Never disturb Jane Foster while she's working. She may seem tinier and nicer than Bruce and Tony but she will rip you to shreds (Natasha will help). **(andy)**

 

34)   No hotwiring Tony's sports cars and taking them for joyrides. Even if Tony said yes. Clint, shut up, that's the end of it. **(andy)**

 

35)   Pepper, Darcy, Jane, Natasha and Maria are never allowed to plot together unless it's a matter of national security. **(andy)**

 

36)   While the backpack leashes are suitable to be used in private, will Natasha and Pepper please take them off Clint and Tony while in public because it seems insanely unprofessional.

 

37)   No ranking "hottest ass" and tweeting the results (DARCY LOOKING AT YOU). **(andy)**

 

38)   Darcy is no longer allowed to attend press conferences after she claimed to have slept with all the Avengers and then announced that Pepper was the best ("girl is an _animal_ "). **(andy)**

 

39)   No making out in the middle of press conferences (Steve and Bucky, please try and keep it at least a little polite. Clint and Natasha are specifically banned from this because they get way too dirty way too fast). **(andy)**

 

40)   Natasha and Darcy are no longer allowed to sit near each other at public events, especially if Peter is sandwiched between them. **(andy)**

 

41)   Tony, fix your dang robot and stop him from playing Beethoven's 9th symphony at six in the morning. **(andy)**

 

42)   Goat parkour is not to be attempted inside the Tower. **(andy)**

 

43)   Harassing Bruce to bring out the Hulk in order to "gain more followers" is dangerous and is not allowed. **(andy)**

 

44)   Don't touch Bruce's tea if you value your life. **(andy)**

 

45)   Peter, for the love of everything on this planet, stop trying to convince Thor that the automated voice on the subway is actually a monster hiding under the tracks.

 


	19. Wow

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Holy shit, guys. I love all of you. ALL OF YOU.

1)   Your next mission is to find and bring the member of staff who approved paintballing as a team-building exercise to me. Them remaining intact is optional. **(Caedesdeo)**

 

2)   Helium balloons are not allowed within fifty feet of the Tower. Or Peter. **(ItTicklesLikeCrazy)**

 

3)   Peter is not allowed to play horror movie music (espcially the Jaws theme, last time he did that doesn't bear thinking about) over the JARVIS whenever he hears someone wake up at night. Clint is not allowed to do this either. Or Sam. Or Natasha. Or anyone. **(ItTicklesLikeCrazy)**

 

4)   Replacing Bucky and Natasha's bullets with slips of paper saying "violence is not the answer" is strictly prohibited. Mostly because it's FUCKING DANGEROUS STARK. **(ItTicklesLikeCrazy)**

 

5)   Killing a spider within twenty feet of Peter is not allowed, because he gets paranoid. **(ItTicklesLikeCrazy)**

 

6)   A giant spiderweb are not proper living conditions. It's not hygienic, either. **(ItTicklesLikeCrazy)**

 

7)   Nobody is allowed to hide Peter's food and replace it with dead flies. That was not funny and Peter didn't talk to anyone for a week. **(ItTicklesLikeCrazy)**

 

8)   Thor is not allowed into the pool when he's had too many Pop Tarts because sugar-driven electrocution becomes an immediate danger.   **(ItTicklesLikeCrazy)**

 

9)   Peter is not allowed to web posters of Nicolas Cage's face on every wall because he is upset.   **(ItTicklesLikeCrazy)**

 

10)   Clint is not allowed to make spider jokes any more, whether directed at Peter or Natasha.   **(ItTicklesLikeCrazy)**

 

11)   Tony is not allowed to experiment with anti-gravity technology without extreme and qualified supervision (it took ages to get that pancake mix off the ceiling and for Thor to forgive you).   **(ItTicklesLikeCrazy)**

 

12)   Peter is not allowed to leave research on spiders (especially ones that eat small flying animals e.g. bat-eating spiders) anywhere near Clint. Or Thor, because it kind of freaks him out too.   **(ItTicklesLikeCrazy)**

 

13)   Clint is not allowed to replace Peter's photography homework with pictures of birds.   **(ItTicklesLikeCrazy)**

 

14)   Clint is not allowed to touch Peter's homework whatsoever.   **(ItTicklesLikeCrazy)**

 

15)   Clint is not allowed within a five foot radius of Peter's homework.   **(ItTicklesLikeCrazy)**

 

16)   Natasha is not allowed to clean her gun at the dinner table, especially when angry. **(ItTicklesLikeCrazy)**

 

17)   Chemical formulas are not allowed anywhere near the kitchen after Thor ate that block of sciencey shit and couldn't talk properly for forty-eight hours.   **(ItTicklesLikeCrazy)**

 

18)   Bruce MUST shower before coming to eat if he's been working in the lab.   **(ItTicklesLikeCrazy)**

 

19)   Touching Bucky's hair without his consent will only result in pain.   **(ItTicklesLikeCrazy)**

 

20)   BUCKY IS NOT A CAT. DO NOT SCRATCH HIM BEHIND THE EARS. (Thor, on the other hand, is perfectly content with you doing this)   **(ItTicklesLikeCrazy)**

 

21)   The Avengers are not allowed to suddenly come up with a billion things to give Tony when he says that he doesn't like to be handed things. A lot of important files and good food was dropped on the floor that day.   **(ItTicklesLikeCrazy)**

 

22)   Peter is not allowed to wake anyone up with an airhorn. Being upset is not a valid reason.   **(ItTicklesLikeCrazy)**

 

23)   Calling Peter "Simba" for an entire day is not allowed, even if he did wake Tony up before dawn.   **(ItTicklesLikeCrazy)**

 

24)   Calling Bucky "Scar" for the entirety of the same day is definitely not a good idea.   **(ItTicklesLikeCrazy)**

 

25)   Lion King references when used to annoy are prohibited (Steve kind of enjoys being called Mufasa when he's in a good mood, though).   **(ItTicklesLikeCrazy)**

 

26)   No spray painting Tony's cars. Those fuckers are expensive and he's definitely going to charge SHIELD if you do.   **(ItTicklesLikeCrazy)**

 

27)   Secretly dosing Steve's brownies with odd chemicals is not allowed, Tony, and "I was trying to get Peter high" is not, and has never been, a valid excuse for doing anything.   **(ItTicklesLikeCrazy)**

 

28)   The phrase "she's beauty, she's grace, she'll punch you in the face" is now banned.   **(ItTicklesLikeCrazy)**

 

29)   Chanting "he's beauty and he's grace, he's Mr United States" whenever Steve enters the room is also banned.   **(ItTicklesLikeCrazy)**

 

30)   Dyeing Bucky's hair is absolutely unacceptable and we give Bucky permission to exact his full revenge (so long as it doesn't end with mutilation or a murder investigation Bucky please).   **(ItTicklesLikeCrazy)**

 

31)   Making bird noises are not acceptable ways of asking Clint for help, no matter how much he encourages it.   **(ItTicklesLikeCrazy)**

 

32)   EASTER EGGS SHOULD NOT BE LEFT IN THE VENTS, THEY SMELL TERRIBLE AFTER A WHILE.   **(ItTicklesLikeCrazy)**

 

33)   Talking about bird-eating spiders is not allowed when in the company of Natasha, Clint, Peter or Sam. It left all four parties upset.   **(ItTicklesLikeCrazy)**

 

34)   Fortune cookies are not to have their papers replaced with "caw cAW MOTHERFUCKER" or various pop culture references, Mean Girls insults (the "your mom's chest hair" one particularly upset Bucky), spookily accurate predictions, or crude drawings.   **(ItTicklesLikeCrazy)**

 

35)   Whoever decorated Tony's suit with Hello Kitty stickers is not allowed to do so again.   **(ItTicklesLikeCrazy)**

 

36)   Rainbow Magic hair extensions are now banned from the Tower. Thor liked them but Bucky nor Natasha were happy and JARVIS is NOT amused by the bullet holes.   **(ItTicklesLikeCrazy)**

 

37)   Any activities resulting in bullet holes are not allowed, as JARVIS plays the sound of crying babies for half an hour for every new bullet hole.   **(ItTicklesLikeCrazy)**

 

38)   No convincing Thor that Bucky's cats are Egyptians gods and goddesses in disguise. Or any mythical being or deity. Or JFK reincarnated.   **(ItTicklesLikeCrazy)**

 

39)   Calling Bucky and Steve "Elsa" and "Anna" respectively is not allowed. Neither is calling Thor "Olaf".   **(ItTicklesLikeCrazy)**

 

40)   Debating Natasha's hair colour between "blood orange" and "fucking red" is not allowed. Tony is not allowed to watch Project Runway anymore.   **(ItTicklesLikeCrazy)**

 

41)   Steve and Bucky are not allowed to replace the Nazis in Peter's history homework with dinosaurs with laser arms. "It's one hundred per cent accurate I swear I was there" is not an excuse. **(DancingDugong)**


	20. Whoa

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Holy shit, guys. I am OVERWHELMED.

1)   Tony is not allowed to make opposable-thumb gauntlets for the cats (I don't care how cool Raul was). **(AngiePen)**

 

2)   Clint is not allowed to smuggle animals into the Tower. Cows are not allowed in the lab (JARVIS you're not supposed to hELP HIM), geese and chickens are not allowed in Sam's bedroom ("but bird friends" "NOT AN EXCUSE CLINT"), Thor is not allowed to sing with the rabbits (shut up he is not a Disney princess Stark), and god forbid Bucky finds another alpaca in his wardrobe. **(DancingDugong)**

 

3)   Tony is not allowed to 'improve' Peter's costume. I don't care how "anatomically correct" it is, you can't change it to make his webs shoot out of his ass, not after it malfunctioned mid-flip and he got towed along on the Green Goblin's sled for a half mile (Clint, Darcy, posting that video on YouTube was mean). **(Raveninflight)**

 

4)   Nobody is allowed to try and create real Gremlins, Minions, or imbue a child's doll with a soul (evil or not) (AREN'T STARK'S ROBOTS BAD ENOUGH GOD FUCKING DAMMIT). **(Bluesy_Deth)**

 

5)   Peter is not allowed to bribe JARVIS to play The Imperial March from Star Wars every time I, Director Fury, walk into the room (I apologize, Sam, for thinking it was you). **(Bluesy_Deth)**

 

6)   No-one is allowed to take Steve and Bucky to Renaissance Fairs and convince them that they're actually preservation towns and the people in costume actually think they're in the Middle Ages (Tony, no bribing them to act shocked at your StarkPhone). **(ImBadWithWords)**

 

7)   If Bucky lapses into the Winter Soldier, DO NOT ENGAGE. REPEAT, DO NOT ENGAGE (JARVIS shut down for a week last time). JUST GET STEVE OR TRANQUILIZE HIM AND THEN GO GET STEVE (if this happens do NOT speak Russian to him to convince him to do your bidding, NATASHA). **(Renji)**

 

 


	21. Dude Whoa

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I have a one hundred and forty-three comments on this. ONE HUNDRED AND FORTY-THREE. THIS IS MY MOST POPULAR FIC AND I AM SO HAPPY GUYS OH MY GOSH

1)   Bucky, giving your teammates "get out of one murder free" cards for Christmas does not inspire confidence in them. **(Lehvee)**

 

2)   Darcy is not allowed to purchase Avengers-themed dildos and assorted sex toys and use them as ornaments (Stark, I know you were involved, stop pretending to be traumatized). **(Lehvee)**

 

3)   PETER DOES NOT NEED OR WANT A FUCKING TARANTULA. NEITHER DOES NATASHA. **(Lehvee)**

 

4)   Clint is not allowed to fling snowflake glitter down into the lab while Bruce and Tony are working. Besides the danger of angering the Hulk, the fruitcake rebellion was too close to being successful for SHIELD's comfort. **(Lehvee)**

 

5)   THE GODDAMN ELF ON THE SHELF IS NOT WELCOME HERE. **(Lehvee)**

 

6)   NOBODY IS ALLOWED TO USE THE ELF ON THE SHELF TO SCARE PEOPLE WHO HAVE WRONGED THEM. **(Lehvee)**

 

7)   THE ELF ON THE SHELF DOES NOT NEED TO BE GIVEN CONSCIOUSNESS AND/OR MADE SELF-AWARE (JESUS CHRIST STARK WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU). **(Lehvee)**

 

8)   IF AN ELF ON THE SHELF IS SIGHTED IN EITHER THE TOWER, THE HELICARRIER OR SHIELD HEADQUARTERS IT MUST BE DESTROYED. TOO MANY HAVE BEEN TRAUMATIZED BY THE PLASTIC DEMON.

 

9)   Steve is not allowed within three meters of Santa. Bucky is not allowed within three miles of Santa. Peter must be kept out of sight of Santa at all times. This is non-negotiable. (Clint is not allowed to so much as touch him either) **(Lehvee)**

 

10)   Only I, Director Fury, am in charge of Secret Santas - after last year, when Tony was in charge (Jesus Christ, who thought that was a good idea?!) and rigged it to make everyone in SHIELD his Secret Santa, we decided that this was better. **(DancingDugong)**

 

11)   Bucky, for the love of god, please do not scream out "WINTER IS COMING" when you are having sex. Clint damn near had an aneurysm and he almost broke his neck falling out the vents (that is fucking IT, Barton, Time Out!). **(fandomlicious)**

 

12)   Please do not use spiderwebs as any method of glue or way of fixing up Christmas decorations around the Tower. **(fandomlicious)**

 

13)   Christmas Carols between the hours of 11 p.m. and 6 a.m. are not allowed (especially not 'Jingle Bells, Tony Smells'). **(fandomlicious)**

 

14)   Please remind Thor that you thread the popcorn on the string and I will shoot whoever taught him 'one of you, two for me' as it took us five bowls of popcorn to thread one fucking string. **(fandomlicious)**

 

15)   PLEASE, PLEASE DO NOT CONTINOUSLY QUOTE 'HOW THE GRINCH STOLE CHRISTMAS' AT INAPPROPRIATE MOMENTS AS I AM _THIS FUCKING CLOSE_ TO DEMOTING YOU ALL TO ADMINISTRATION. YEAH, STARK. YOU SAY "HELP ME, I'M FEELING" ONE MORE TIME AND YOU GET TO SPEND THE REST OF YOUR LIFE ELBOW-DEEP IN A FILING CABINET.


	22. Operation Get Through The Holiday In One Piece

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> *throws Christmas lights into the air*

1)  Peter and Tony can't be the light hanging team. It took three weeks to get the webbing off the tower, and a lot longer to get down each spotlight off the webbing last time. **(newtmas_eve)**

 

2)   Thor is not allowed to make the hot chocolate......ever. **(newt_mas)**

 

3)   THE ELF ON THE SHELF IS TO BE REMOVED FROM THE VENTS IMMEDIATELY. (CLINT YOU BETTER DESTROY THAT FUCKING MONSTER OR SO HELP ME) **(newt_mas)**

 

4)   Hanging lights on the Hulk and putting a star ornament on his head does not count as a Christmas tree. **(newt_mas)**

 

5)   Peter, stop telling Thor that streaking through Times Square, leaping into a fountain and then running back to the Tower is the 'Polar Plunge'. **(newt_mas)**

 

6)   Clint, Tony, Natasha, buying lingerie for Secret Santa is not funny or attractive. Peter is scarred enough as it is. **(newt_mas)**

 

7)   Tony, don't waste your admittedly endless supply of money on seventeen bottles of champagne. You know Steve can't drunk, and it only encourages Bucky to attempt to out-drink him. (Plus, Peter really, really doesn't need to hear them 'celebrating New Year' in their room drunkenly at night. It will encourage the gay porn again.) **(newt_mas)**

 

8)   NOBODY IS ALLOWED TO GIVE THOR ALCOHOL THIS YEAR OR ANY YEARS TO COME. **(newt_mas)**

 

9)   Leave Natasha the fuck alone while she's getting her Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer onesie on. JARVIS made good on his promise to NASA last time and we really don't want that happening again. **(newt_mas)**

 

10)   Nobody is allowed to give Peter anything to drink (his liver is still youthful, people, let's keep it that way). Tony, I trust you on this one. **(newt_mas)**

 

11)   Pepper, please enforce the above rule. I don't trust Tony. **(newt_mas)**

 

12)   Do NOT embarrass Peter on his last school day before winter break. No sweaters, no sleigh (I don't care if it's festive, Tony, the reindeers shit everywhere), no carolling, no mistletoe, no nothing. In fact, just let him walk that day. **(newt_mas)**

 

13)   Steve, Bucky, I trust you to keep it PG-rated if you go carolling. Children live in New York. **(newt_mas)**

 

14)   NEVER MIND DON'T GO CAROLLING NOBODY IS TO GO CAROLLING ON PAIN OF AGENT HILL OVERSEEING YOUR NEXT SIX WORKOUTS **(newt_mas)**

 

15)   No alliances for Secret Santa. **(newt_mas)**

 

16)   Don't buy alcohol for Secret Santa. I trust precisely none of you under the influence (except perhaps Pepper and Jane). **(newt_mas)**

 

17)   Send Darcy away for New Year. We don't need a drunk Bucky stripping on YouTube. Again. **(newt_mas)**

 

18)   If Thor, Tony, Bucky, Steve, Sam, Bruce, Clint, and Natasha want to do a Rockette routine, make Peter and Darcy go in the other room, we don't need that on the Internet. **(newt_mas)**

 

19)   No buying Steve flag print tights as a joke gift. **(newt_mas)**

 

20)   Stark, you are not allowed to access anyone else's hard drives or digital camera memory cards. You are definitely not allowed to post your 'digital spoils of war' on the Internet. Posting the pics for their significant others like Barnes laying under a Christmas tree wearing a Santa hat and strategically placed bow with the caption "Come And Get Your Christmas Gift, Stevie!" or Romanoff's picture to Barton in white lingerie with "Naughty and Nice" on it, is only going to result in your early demise. (Jesus, Stark! Barnes, Barton and Romanoff are the best assassins in the world and even if they don't kill you, Pepper will.) **(Raveninflight)**

 

21)   Clint, no encouraging Loki to create flying reindeer. **(Raveninflight)**

 

22)   Bruce, you are not allowed to try and make flying reindeer. **(Raveninflight)**

 

23)   Dr Foster, you are not allowed to make the flying reindeer glow in the dark (I expected better from you, Jane). **(Raveninflight)**

 

24)   Whoever gave Thor that gallon-sized mug of hot chocolate with an entire bag of marshmallows in it - I WILL FIND YOU. JARVIS is complaining again about the enormous hole in the wall from the out-of-control Mjolnir flying around. **(Raveninflight)**

 

25)   Nobody is allowed to contact Reed Richards and request that he create flying reindeer. If you do, you are personally responsible for dealing with Susan Storm-Richards and I have more important things to do than attempting to soothe the Invisible Woman's temper. **(Raveninflight)**

 

26)   Darcy, no toasting marshmallows on the Human Torch. **(Raveninflight)**

 

27)   Drunken festive orgies are NOT ALLOWED AND SHOULD NOT BE IMPLIED IN INTERVIEWS. **(DancingDugong)**

 

28)   An increase in ice/snow/cold-related puns and jokes aimed at Steve and Bucky may result in dismemberment. And trust me, if Barnes takes your arm off, I'll probably applaud. **(DancingDugong)**

 

29)   No attaching Christmas lights to your weapons. (STEALTH. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND IT?) **(DancingDugong)**

 

30)   No Christmas-themed team uniforms. We'd all rather forget that time you fought the Serpent Society in Santarina costumes. **(DancingDugong)**

 

31)   Merry Christmas and Happy New Year (aka don't do anything stupid without Pepper around). **(newt_mas)**


End file.
